Well this is something new...

Ok now....Operation "Get a Grip" is in full effect, but I am even surprising myself these days which is something I haven't done in a while.

First thing was to admit that my relationship with Laura was only harming both of us in the long run and that we couldn't even handle being friends. Mostly my fault. That thought had been around for a while, but I did not know how to let go of her. So we kissed each other goodbye, made the big splitarooni, and here I am.

Now, in my past I have always just gone with the flow. A girl comes around, and I end up dating her. Didn't really matter what the scenario, or situation was. I was just always with someone one way or the other. (Minus like a year long gap in there somewhere, this was not by choice ha, a drought is a drought) I have come to understand that this type of dating is detrimental to both people involved. I don't feel satisfied because I don't really even genuinely care about what Im doing, and the girl usually gets hurt because she does. This would be the case of Maria.

I use to think my brother was nuts for not dating girls more frequently(read gay where the word nuts is hahah jk). The guy is a lady killer but never does anything about it. I think I have picked up something from him as of late. He was ruined by a girl about 6 years ago and didn't really bother dating after that. He had one other serious relationship and she fucked him over too...Damn bitches ha. Hes had a fair share of girls, but I went through something similar many years ago and instead of backing off like he did to heal I dove head first in to the wild world of Bagina and never looked back. I think I now see his position on this, and maybe am I the retarded one? He probably sees all the pain and misery I go through with all my failed relationships and just shakes his head.

In the past I would have definitely dated Maria right now thinking maybe something could really come from this, but if I actually stopped to think about it I know nothing really would, but I would date her none the less because it would be something to do. I was always happier with someone, then without. 100% 180 on that idea, and is exactly why I have now blown this girl off twice now. I am not interested in dating someone with a half-assed effort. I would like something real, or nothing at all.

Isnt that lovely? I am learning and getting better at this relationship stuff!!!

Next is where I surprised myself....

I present to you Amanda:




This girl lives out in Montreal and has invited me down for a no-strings attached weekend of "fun".

I have declined the offer.

J-Mo I am sorry if you fell off your chair.

This is where any guy reading this should just stop because I am going to talk about real things and ideas. I am not ready to date someone. I most likely wont be ready for a long time. I have learned that I am happiest when I am being loved by someone with their entirety, and I wish to give that back to someone with just as much energy. There is no possible way I can do this right now as my thoughts and feelings are attached to my past. So, there is absolutely no point in dating just for the hell of it as it will only prolong me getting over what I have gone through the last two years. I have also adopted the idea that just sleeping with people to satisfy my wants is not productive either. I don't think I want to have this as my answer to: "So, what were past relationships like before me?" "Well, lets see, I banged about 5 or 6 random girls I didn't really care about!" hahaha.

I need to be on my own, recover from this mess I have created, learn who I am all over again, and then come back with my heart in my hand for someone to have.

Sounds terribly cheesy no?

Well, it is what I am choosing. It is similar to the old saying "if you do not have anything good to say, don't say anything at all". I cant possible give someone everything as it is not mine to give. Therefore, I will choose to be by myself until I have all of me back.

What will I be doing in the meantime?

Besides, learning what makes ME happy all over again I will be investing in my future once again by expending time, energy, and capital in the present. I think I am going to go into partnership with a friend of mine to open up our own BAR!!!!!!! There will be a post about this in the near future. For now I will just throw that out there. To achieve this I think I need to grow up once again...I cut out cigs and pot with little effort, so that was huge. But, I need to do other things besides that, like eating real food, and getting proper exercise. Walking around like a zombie does not put you in the right frame of mind to take control of the things you want out of life.

I know what its like to love someone like mad and not have them care about you.

I know what its like to have someone love you like mad and not care about them.

I know what its like to love someone like mad, and have them love you back, and not have it work.

I know what its like to love someone like mad, and have them love you like mad, but never each other at the same time.

I will now learn to be patient and work on myself so I am able to be ready for that person that it does work with.

Its funny not knowing who that person is going to be....Or if they even exist.

Some people live their whole life and never find what they are looking for.

Sorry for the gay mushy stuff...Just something I wanted to get off my chest.