A poor showing....

It has come to my attention that my blog is not living up to its name...

There is nothing really random about it. My behavior use to resemble that of someone with borderline schizophrenia, showing no particular method to the madness of it all. Yes, bizarre nonsense still manages to find me around every corner; but, the nonsense all seems to be the same now. Its either something incredibly shitty happens in my neighborhood, or I go out on a drinking binge only to wake up with no recollection of the nights events.

Well on this subject I might as well spit out this humdinger of a story...

I came home one day to see every gathered on my neighbors porch. It was explained to me that the new girl on the street slept with some guy while her boy friend was at home with the two little kids. To top this all off she went home, told him what she did, and the slapped the living daylights out of this guy....hes face was destroyed....

I think my reaction was a slow confused mathematically questioning of the event...

"You mean she???....With him???....And.....He???....And then she????....Whaaa?!?!"

It was like a calculus question that had no real answer...

Anyways, enough of that....This needs to be more random.

I thought up this question last week: Is it possible to be scarffing down the last of a solid chocolate "insert any animal name here", pause, and think to yourself you need a glass of milk to make this that much sweeter, and actually make it to fridge to pour this tall glass of goodness before you finish the 1/4 lb of chocolate you have in your mouth?? I don't think its possible....I have tried this many a time and always end up inhaling 96% of it before I get to the milk.




Next, the debate between big business and protecting the little guy has got no clear winner in my mind. There are too many advantages to both to just pick one and say this is the best way. However, I would like to make a formal request to "THE MAN" to merge all and any debit card companies together. Why? I would like there to be one, and only one, universal machine. I am tired of looking like a dumbass in front of the nice girl behind the counter when I slide the card the wrong way. Yes, there are sometimes directions on it, but even the way they explain this is not consistent. Please fix this...Thank you.




And last, but not least....I bought another house.




Oh, this is also my horoscope for the day:

Willow trees survive storms, whereas sturdier types, like the oak, topple over. Why? Because willows are exceptionally flexible. They bend, then go back up. Take this information to heart right now.

I find it very fitting....

This also "helps"...

Great song...

The exception to the rule

This would be the one time I wish someone in my life was flamingly gay.

I switched insurance companies because the last one jacked it up from 90 a month, to 150. That is insane people....Most peoples parents do not pay that much for their humble abodes.

So naturally I went shopping for another insurance company...This was no easy task as everyone was quoting me the same ridiculous numbers. I think I went through about 10 of them before I found my diamond in the rough. This guy quoted me 60 bucks a month!!

These deals are always done with the condition of having a home inspection to get a more accurate assessment of the properties worth. This little visit was scheduled for Monday of this week at 8:30am....or so I thought. Its important not to piss them off cause they can play with the numbers and make you pay way more. Ie...Last company I was with.




I get out of the shower at 8am, drop the towel, and walk out from the bathroom buck naked...I see something out of the corner of my eye, so I turn...Its the home inspector. Just as I turn my full front to him he snaps a picture of the front of my house. Hhahahaha.

Of course my drapes are completely open..

Like I said, I hope hes gay or something...

The picture above is of the ice cream truck that pisses me off every other day in the summer. It plays the same damn song on full volume as it rolls up and down the streets...Im surprised he hasn't been shot.

Apparently

Apparently I went to the bar last night...

I know I went to one of our favorite local spots for a few pints and some darts. I also know I helped myself to a magnum of wine before I left. Darts became increasingly difficult as the night progressed. The first match came down to the last dart, and after that it just went all down hill.




I did not know however, that I made an appearance at Hess Village. After chatting with a friend on msn this morning she asked me how I was feeling.....humm....That's odd....I did not see her last night....How would she know I was hurting I thought.




Well apparently I did show up there, and then walked all the way home at some ridiculous hour. I also got myself invited to a neighbors place for some late night pizza? No idea I was there. Ha.

Note to self....Drinking while in a terrible mood only produces terrible results.

Ha.

I'm rich BEOTCH!!

Well that's it....Im getting the F out of my neighborhood.

I had been looking around for a new house for a while now. The plan was to find a suitable house, and then rent out my apartment in my current place. All the houses I have been looking at are more expensive then mine, but in worse shape. I don't get it. Stupid market.

I have grown tired of my current financial and living arraignment's; so, instead of screwing around with the chicken before the egg argument, I just went straight for the chick.




I put an ad out in the paper, and within 12 hours I had already found my new tenant. She came over that night to have a look around to see if it was something she wanted.

One minute after she had entered my place:

"Dad!! Oh my God dad, you have to see this place!! Get down here right now!!"

That was pretty much it...I took the ad out the paper the next day, and told her I had a few other people coming through (standard real estate lie). Two days later she calls me asking what's happening with my place, and that night she signs a lease on my place for the same amount of money my guy pays up stairs for a two bedroom. Hahaha.

I have bad radar at this, but I am pretty sure she was hitting on me the whole time. This works out because you do not usually destroy shit when it belongs to someone you like.




Now its a bit of a race to find a new house. She moves in October 1st. This does put me in a shitty spot when viewing homes, but the trick is never let on that you need to move. If worse comes to worse I move home for a month or so while the market cools down and I pick up a sweet place for less then market value.

Either way Im getting the F off my street. The neighbors know that Im leaving now and the nice ones are sad to see me go. They gave me the broken pieces of the shovel as a parting gift...I laughed my ass off when they gave me this.

It was an interesting time down on Grant Ave let me tell you...

Onward and upward I suppose...

Congrats

Had a pretty decent weekend; it was highlighted by seeing the better half of the Waterdown alumni at an old friends Stag and Doe.




This would be the lovely bride, Amy. I have no idea how we met, or why...But we became really good friends during the highshcool years and did our best to keep in touch as we moved along. She use to be a gymnast, and a damn good one at that too. I think when she bent 100% the wrong way after a vault mishap while on scholarship in the states was the beginning of the end for that dream.




This would be the stand-up guy of a groom, Tom. Tom and I met at various parties...We drink, give high fives when we see each other, and I think that's about it ha.

The night was your typical stag and doe with draws, delectable goodies to eat, booze, and randoms. What was good about this one was the amount of drinking games they had set up. Boxhead, kings, beermaids, etc....Everyone got very very drunk. ha.
















Yes yes, good time had by all....And this time it wasn't me making an ass out of myself if you can believe it!!

More Foreshadowing then Macbeth

Not long ago, aka two posts ago, I had explained what I might do in a situation where I found myself to be bummed out...

"Alone means you're disgruntled, and depressed about what happened.... Your diet turns into mass quantities of ice cream, you start collecting cats, and you may even find that old imaginary friend you had as a child once again. For me, I would probably grab a 40 of whiskey, a big old bag of pot, and start consuming until I ended up naked in my living room shouting into my scrub brush demanding respect because IM BOB FUCKING BARKER!!! AND THE PRICE IS RIGHT BITCH!!!!"




Now, I am not in a super shitty mood, and Im actually doing pretty good at work these days, possibly getting that second house, and might even do another video soon. Fingers crossed it all works out. However, I managed to pull off about 4 out of 6 things mentioned above all in one night.

Wednesday I decided to have a beer....not 37....one beer. I walked across the street to the neighbors porch to have this. While there I remembered I had the better half of a case at my place so I offered one to the neighbor...




Not too long after this we are through that and I helped myself to half a magnum of wine. We are now out of booze, so the logical answer is to get another case.

15 drinks later were in his backyard sitting around the fire with a few other folks and some pitbulls. ahahha. This started at 5pm so I had no shirt to begin this mess, during the partying I managed to lock myself out of my house. So I was rocking shorts only till the wee hours of the morn. I'm bombed, half naked, and roasting marshmallows in south central Hamilton( you are not allowed to have fires here).




I save the best for last though...When its time to finally call this quits I make my way back across the street to my place; in front of my door is this little black kitty. I'm bombed out of my mind now....So of course this cat is coming in with me.

When I wake to retrace my steps I notice not one, but TWO little fuzz balls in my bed. The kicker? This cat is way too cute to let go, but the thing is she is prego....So....It seems I will be collecting cats after all. ahhahahah.

Who wants a kitten?

“One hundred thousand pesos to come to Santa Poco, put on show, stop. The infamous El Guapo.”

So now my street is on the news...

Yes yes, seems two nights ago they found my neighbor in a pool of her own blood out front of her house. I know this girl...I say hi to her on a regular basis.

She was having an argument with her boyfriend who then proceeded to stab her in the chest. I guess this would be a very unhappy couple because this is not the first time something like this has happened.

He beat the living shit out of her before and went to jail for it. While in jail she tattooed his name on her tit?? Excuse me while I shake my head.

He got out of jail, had nowhere to go, so he ended up back at her house.

He said he wanted to leave, she wouldn't let him....They argued...And now she is intensive care and he is back in jail.

Uhhhhhhhhh........duhhhhhhhhhh.........uhhhhhhhhhhhhh....

If they end up back together Im going to fire-bomb their house...Sure I'll have a smoldering pile of rubbish a few doors down, but at least I wont have that shit going on.

Im just going to change topics here...

I had explained I've been told I was a poor mans Danny/Hyde.

So use your imagination and combine all three of these pictures together.




Hair from this one




Beard from here




And shades from this one....Look close and you can see Pornfield.

Alone Vs Single

You may have noticed I don't really blog about my love life. Some people do, and I think that's great to have a medium where you can express what's going on in that neck of the woods. I personally don't dive into that stuff for various reasons....mostly because I have no idea who reads this. Ha. Anyways, I think for the first time in a year and half I'm completely single. Here is where I would put a sentence to sum up what the hell happened...but even that is something I will keep to myself....

Now what???




Well here is the correct question to answer that....Am I alone now? or am I single...

Single in my mind means you're fresh out of a relationship, and ready to bang anything that walks....Well....That's not how I feel, as I have never been that way, and never will be. I think I've picked up at a bar once in my life...but that one girl made up for the rest of the missed opportunities let me tell you. Christ, even my one night stand turned into a relationship.

Alone means you're disgruntled, and depressed about what happened.... Your diet turns into mass quantities of ice cream, you start collecting cats, and you may even find that old imaginary friend you had as a child once again. For me, I would probably grab a 40 of whiskey, a big old bag of pot, and start consuming until I ended up naked in my living room shouting into my scrub brush demanding respect because IM BOB FUCKING BARKER!!! AND THE PRICE IS RIGHT BITCH!!!!

But, no no....

I feel like neither of these two situations.

I do not really care what else is going on out there in the single world....and Im not bummed out beyond belief about what's not going on in my bedroom. Instead, its time to take a new approach I think.




For the last year and a half the love part of my life had been the focus; it got me nowhere fast and ended up only hurting a bunch of people in the process...including myself. I think now I'll put a few other things first, and let that part find me....

I heard that's the way to do it anyways.

"How ya living? How ya Living?..."

Went up to cottage country this weekend for a little RnR. After coming to the conclusion that I need to get the F out of Hamilton because it makes me sick, it was a much needed trip.

A friend of mine has a house up in Port Elgin with some extra room, so it has sorta turned into the weekend get away for a few people. It was my first trip up and damn was it fun.

This will just be a picture post as you can clearly see...
















We stopped off for some cold lemonade before hitting the beach....

If this were Hamilton those kids would be selling crack on the side, and they'd have a loaded 45 under the table just in case....

Who's annoyed?? I am....hahaha. Get me the hell out of here...Im done.

How does this shit find me?

One of the oddest days ever....

It was my brothers birthday on Tuesday. We all had a blast down at this bar in Burlington to celebrate the guy turning 24. He didnt have to work the next day so we got him totally wasted. He crashed at my house as driving was not an option for him. (not really for me either ha)...

I awoke to find him on my futon dead to the world as he should be...

Ahhhh a job well done I thought to myself, then turned the corner to go take my morning shower. I pull back the shower curtain to find the tub completely covered in puke....(I know I know, too many barfing stories lately, I apologize)....that little f'er....but how could I get mad? haha I couldnt.

I did what I could to make the shower useable, got ready for work, pretended to smack him across the face while he slept, and left.

I then stroll across the street to my car, open the door and .................oh wait.............. whats this?

A needle...a dirty used needle is on the floor of my car...WTF!

This takes a second or two for my brain to comprehend....I look around to also notice all my cds are gone, as well as my change...it wasnt much, but still.

A junkie got blasted in my car, took all my tunes, and went to get a blow job for 5 bucks....wonderful.

Best part was that I should have gotten mad....I should have been upset...instead? I cranked up the only cd I had left,(Bloc Party)and went about my day like nothing really happened...

I mean what did I really lose? My cds....I have all the music on my computer anyways...5 bucks in change? I know I am cheap...but I think I could spare it...and hell!! I got something in return...a needle!!!

Hahahhaha Ok, that part is gross...I dont even want to throw it out because then I will have to touch it, but I guess I'll have to. Maybe I can leave it in there with a note and a few more cds saying "take me"

As if that wasnt enough I come home to find my house empty...where the hell is my cat I thought?? My brother had let him out before he left I guess. I round the back corner of my house to look for him and I see this:

KITTY KITTY GANG BANG

My poor little cat is being butt blasted by some f'ing stray while another scrapper with no ears stands guard to make sure he goes nowhere....my cat is male folks...my cat is being raped by some gay asshole cat...you have got to be kidding me.

That was it...





Barf all over my bathroom no problem, crack-head junkie robs me fine, queer cat is raping my little guy....hes fucking dead.

I look around me for something to throw at this cat...

Oh this is too perfect, a shovel is right next to me!! I have become the shoveler...its all becoming real!!

I grabed that thing and started swinging for the fences....the two faggots ran off before I could drop them down from 9 lives to say negative 47...

Bosco is safe inside and will remain there until hes fully grown...I will also be bringing my pellet gun down to my house I think. For no real reason...ahahhaha. I wonder if I could blow a cats nuts off with a pellet gun??

Let me know if this is possible...

Shoveler out...

Strike 2!!!! You're out!!!!

This posts going to be about a little bit of "history" repeating...

You see, roughly 10 years ago at the ripe old age of 16..or maybe 17 I don't know..I didn't have much access to booze. What was easy to get however was pot. So my New Years Eve that year consisted of 3 dudes, 3 guitars, and a big-ol-bag of greens.

It was awesome, my friend lived on a farm, so we would set up shot in his abandoned barn and rock the F out. It being New Years and all, we decided to light them up like they were Pop-eye cigarettes.




This was AWESOME!!! for a while....Then I slowly, but surely, lost it...

I remember sitting in a chair in the kitchen when things started to go badly. I fell off the chair and onto the kitchen floor where I remained for quite some time. The other guys were in the next room and too f'ed to know I had gone south.




Im not sure if this has even been repeated...I certainly wouldn't wish this upon anyone. But, what happened next was insane. I was still conscious, but had no real use of my limbs...I remember the room started to seem really windy, this wind however could only be felt by one of my eyeballs....eventually it was as if my eye had been turned into a vacuum cleaner and was violently sucking the air out of the room...




This feeling??? Unexplainable....It went on for a bit and there was nothing I could do about it. I guess the guys had stirred from the next room and were trying to help me up, but I didn't even know they were there....The whole thing pretty much sucked. Once they got me to my feet I regained control of my limbs one by one, and eventually I remembered I had a stomach...GOODBYE!!! I ran outside to get a second look at dinner that night...

That was the first and last time I puked from pot....I vowed never to get to that point again. A) way too fucking scary B) felt like complete shit C) Im pretty sure something of that magnitude is not good for you in the long run...

10 years has passed, and my walk in the green forest has been mostly pleasant since...The odd bought of paranoia has been known to rear its ugly head once and a while.




But yes, its been a lovely relationship MaryJane and I have had....until yesterday...

I have no idea how, or why, or what....I have nothing....No solid explanation as to why it really happened. I was sitting in my living room with my bro talking about his birthday plans for today. Took a rather large hit off herb, and sat back to continue playing xbox. I coughed like crazy, which isn't really normal for myself...during my coughing fit I asked my brother how full he packed the bowl, it was to the rim...I guess that was not just for myself....

Eventually I went from not being able to play games anymore, to not being able to even watch a movie....I was totally and completely KO'ed. The onset of paranoia was unbearable....It was that extreme high where you feel every single heart beat, you feel what your veins feel, you get a sense of where your blood is rushing and why....basically everything is beyond intense....the word intense doesn't even come close to justifying this feeling...after the physical torture lessened, the mental shit took over and my imagination latched itself to a jet rocket and pressed the big red button....Wont bother trying to explain where I went, but god damn. ahhaha.

The ending was the worst part I think....after 30 mins of intense mind battles with myself my brain wrapped itself around the idea of going to jail for pot...dont ask why, hasnt been a problem so far for my family. hahaha. Anyways, it went from pot, to jail, to being in jail, to the fear that every little white guy has about jail...becoming some little bitch for some big fucking black dude...I had images in my head for all of 10 seconds before I couldn't take it anymore....

I got up and did the Fear and loathing walk to the bathroom...




"You know you have to barf....These thoughts are making you want to barf...just do it and they will be gone!!...but we cant barf, not yet....we are not at the bathroom....well what's more important right now? A little spill on the floor, or having bubbas python down your throat...Shut up, almost there....Must make it...Why are my legs not co-operating?!?!...God damn it....We made it!!! BLAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!"

Yes ladies and gents, I managed to smoke so much pot I hurled....I love how puking always solves the problem....Too drunk?? Barf and you'll feel loads better, normally you can even start drinking again....Too high?? Spew and you'll give yourself a few activities to keep your mind off what you have just done to yourself. hahaha...Even if those consist of cleaning up the cookies you just tossed.




Anyways, why was this post so long??? Well....I have been dating MaryJane for over 10 years now, and I think this subject deserves a more complete summary....That being said, I think its time we ended our love affair...getting to that point is not something I ever want to do again...its beyond horrible.

Goodbye MJ...Goodbye...