Was it nice guys finish last? Or was it dead?

There are a lot of things you don't really think about on a Sunday afternoon...being beaten and robbed is one of them.

"Hey, where are you?"

"Just at the gas station, about to head up to my parents...hold on here comes some weirdo"

You know the expression "I've seen better days"....Ya well, the last time this lady saw a good day was most likely back in the 70's. She was probably about 30, but looked like 45...

"Hey man, do you got a smoke"

"Nope, sorry don't smoke" (depending oh what day it is that's a lie)

She accepts my answer and departs back to her car that's parked on the main street still running. Someone else is in the car, but I cant really see who, or how many people are in it.

"Hey, sorry about that..Some sketch-ball looking for a smoke...where were we?"

"You are on your way up to your parents place"

"Oh right, ok so ya my sister is home and..."

Weird creepy lady is now at my passenger door...

"Hey man, I REALLY REALLY need a lift, those guys are going to beat me up...Man they are after me, they are going to get me....I need help"





(Ok, yes you do, and it would start with a shower)

"What the, ummm Im really running late and don't have time for this, nor do I feel comfortable with this...Im sorry"

"Man PLEASE, PLEASE!!! HELP ME!!!" she's saying this as she's opening up my door and getting inside my car...

(Holyfuck...Here we go)

"Ok, where do you have to go, where will you be safe"

"Just drive me two blocks away, that's all I need"

(This is not going to be good....I may be helping, or I may get killed today for this)

I fucking gun it out of there and fly past the car she got out of, bombed around some corner to make sure they did not follow, took a couple more turns, and then started listening to where she wanted to go...We end up a few blocks away and she requested we go down an alley....




(UMMMM nooooooooooooooooooooooooo fucking way)

"No, you can get out RIGHT here, I will go no further"

She makes a bit of a fuss, and then finally gets out....I get the F out of dodge...

What do I now think happened???

Weird creepy lady lured me into an alley where a car load of mutherFers were waiting to rob me blind and take my car...

Lesson learned? Don't let crackheads into your car...

I know what this is...

Its a f'ing science experiment....

They push me to the brink of insanity one day at work, and two days later give me raise...

Not a large raise, just a little taste to say: "here you go....now shut up and behave again"

I got the raise, but instead of being happy about it, I didnt even care...I am still pissed about the way I was treated two days ago....So Im not even going to enjoy this....




Blood Thirsty Sons-A-Bitches!!!

Well Spank you very much....

Its just going to be one of those days...this thought is pretty much all I can think about as my legs are sticking straight up in the air half way out my window.

I locked myself out of my house while putting out the recycling before heading off to work. F U recycling...never doing that again!! Haha just kidding. So I had some options:

A) sit on my thumb and rotate

B) call a co-worker, and ask them to pick me up

C) fumble around the front door until my tenant comes down to leave for his job

D) call my mom (which I did) and ask her to drop off the spare set of keys

E) cut the call short because shes still in bed, and break into my own house (which I did)


So I broke into my own house, got my stupid keys, and headed to work where I was just ass-raped by my boss the entire day. Unbelievable...I actually applied to other jobs while at work that day. Got a call back today....so we'll see. Anyways, probably like the most frustrating day at this place.


Just beaten to hell over things out of my control. Im now in the worst mood ever...All I want to do is go home....5pm comes around and I bolt outa that door like freshmeat in a prision break.

I am a bit more relaxed on the way home knowing I will totally be ok once I get back home and can do as I please. I park the car, collect my shit, and make it to the front door to see I have mail....ohhhh what do we have here? Junk, junk, hummm yup junk...ohhh and a $380 hydro bill which sucks the life out of me like some gold digging whore!!!...Great, grand, wonderful.



If you are thinking of buying a home with electric baseboard heating because everything else is great except that, dont do it....its not worth it, run away. hahahaha.

I have to lie low now as the Pot helicopters are circling my house looking for the grow-op...

?ereh teg I did woh

Lets go backwards shall we...


This is what I looked like Sunday morning in the establishment we enjoyed breakfast at. You know that feeling when you wake up and you're still drunk from the night before? Well ya, that was me, still buzzing from the overage of booze pounded hours and hours ago. Great feeling, only when it wears off and you are just plain hungover it seems worse for some reason. hahaahah...shit...

Saturday night...We head over to the local Irish pub again for a few pints(I get kicked out of this place/asked to leave like 8 out of 10 times I go there). Now its just myself and other other bloke at this point. We cruise around, see no one we know, and decide to get a table. A bunch of girls get up from a table and start to get the coats going, my boy flys in to snag the table but is met with someone else just as eager to have a seat. They agree to share the table, Im not in the conversation at this point, but in my head all I can think is that I do NOT want to talk to randoms right now....just not in the mood...I grab my spot...take a sip and get ready to give a fake hello to whomever I am now sitting beside....turns out its two of my good friends....WTF....got to be kidding me. Too funny...

Anyways, they are out for some girls birthday bash so we join the group and proceed to get loaded. Near the end of the night we get convinced to head over to the Wet Pussy....ahahha sorry sorry, I mean "liquid Kitty"...

Wow what a name for a bar. Its a trashy underground dance bar filled with people anywhere from like 45 to probably like 17...random...Im now drinking shots and the night just kinda went on from there...Jebus..hahahaa...."Who invited this guy anyways"

Back it up to Friday night and its more alcohol, but this time its free. Parents went off to some chalet so I headed up to their place to relieve them of some precious alcohol that seems to sit there anyways. Was just the brother and I for most of the night....This guy gets more retarded off booze then like a 16 year old these days...Guy latched onto me like a little monkey and wouldn't let go...I gave a few warnings to let go, he did not....then I was met with his scratchy beard all over my face...1.......2.......Dave im going to kill you.....3......thats fucking IT. hahaha I use every muscle in my body to break free and smash him. I do it, but pull my hammy in the process...son of a...

So ya...these two nights combined is probably why I felt like shit all Sunday and didn't do a bloody thing....and definitely why I thought I could walk into a place looking like this with a straight face and pretend nothing was out of the norm....


Ps...Old footy watching, pint drinking, sport coat wearing, British guys do not appreciate this kind of humor at 11am on a Sunday morning...

Typical

Inspired by J-Mos post about Niagara falls...

A little while back there a few of the boys took a trip down to the old casino to have a their try at lady luck. Of course the trip was fueled by redbull and vodka. I think we even used the tank on the toilet as a fridge? That was until we scooped a lawn chairs worth of ice outa the machine. The typical nonsense occurred...People got lost, the rippers were visited, everyone got drunk, and money was gambled away. However, the best part of the trip happened on Sunday.

We all picked our sorry asses up and head out for breakfast. I am still quasi-loaded at this point. Near the end of our meal I slyly walk back to our table with a plate FULL of sausages...nothing else...

"John, what the hell are you going to do with all those you idiot"

"Oh, just wait and see"

We were on an outside patio, so I picked up a sausage in my hand and while everyone was kinda watching to see if I'd dive in and start pounding 47 mini-breakfast sausages...I threw it over my shoulder into the parking lot down below instead. HAHAahah. This became really funny until one of the cars I was pelting with meat products belonged to one of the patrons beside us.....we left....right then....



This random act of randomness brought about the next bit of excitement for the day...

As we left the restaurant a plate of scrambled eggs made it out with us....Pornfield then proceeded to press the eject button on this and send the eggs shooting up into the air. This next image could only be summed up as one of the funniest things Ive ever seen....A grown man (use the word man loosely) sitting in a parking lot screaming "I am the Seagull King" while 20-30 seagulls are dive bombing him to get at the eggs...breath-taking...my insides hurt from laughing so hard. This is all in plain view from the restaurant we just left.



After we ruined these peoples meals we decided to hit up the casino...more drinks were had which probably led to what happened next...Now keep in mind this casino is brand new so its got a buzz around it and is busy for a Sunday.

11am - My friends and I enter into the lobby after losing our money.

11:00:05am - My friends walk out the front door while a few of us stay back to admire the new fountain they have.

11:00:10am - One drops his pants, takes off his shirt, (families all over the place by the way), losses the shoes and starts swimming in this massive fountain. Does one lap, hops out, grabs his close, and we causally walk the front door like nothing happened. hahaha no one said shit? There was people actually cheering him on!!


11:02:00am - My friend gets his boxers ripped off and is now walking down the main strip in Niagara falls buck f'ing naked...

We have not been back since....I don't think this trip can be topped....

Multi-tasking

Not enough can be said for trying to do everything at once. Like for example: living the life of a young 20-something with nothing to lose, and the mature rose smelling existence of an 80 year old.

What in Gods name am I talking about?


Saturday night was reserved for a show in Toronto at the Horseshoe Tavern. The band is probably not all that popular so this might not make sense. "We Are Scientists" was the group we went to see. The doors opened at 9, so when 9 rolled around and we were still sitting in the Hammer I f'ing gunned it to get there. Good thing we did because the second opening act was awesome. I cant even remember the name, someone bought the cd I think. Anyways, these guys rocked out super hard and I F'ing loved it.

Sunday afternoon?


The afternoon started with a nice Sunday drive out to the edge of town where we came to rest among the Lilac trees. The cool winds were quite harsh; luckily, we had bundled up for the occasion. As we strolled through the winding paths that lined the hillsides we came across our purpose: The enchanting call of the Northern Reticulated Chickadee....My what a specimen. As quickly as they would descend upon us, to feed on the seeds laid out before them in our bare hands, they would race back into the thickets from whence they came. Yes, it was a golden afternoon I must proclaim...

ahahaahahh

Birds.....we fed birds.....they felt cool on my fingers....I liked it....

Kind of a fruity thing to do, but I had some postal service going and it was nice to get outside for a hike.

Chunk: I'm sorry, sir. I tried to give it to you. Oh, I'm sorry

For the sake of the people involved in this story I will make up new names. This dynamic duo will be known as PH1, and PH2. (pot head one, and two)

PH1 and PH2 both found jobs out west for the winter at a ski resort. Dream job: lots of fresh powder, influx of kiwis and aussies, and no responsibility...

They didn't even make it out there before trouble reared its ugly head. In between the Sault, and Thunder Bay they got pulled over for speeding with PH1 behind the wheel.

Cop: You were speeding so Im gonna have to give you ticket no questions asked...

PH1/PH2: Insert typical tail between your legs comment

Cop: Where are you boys headed?

PH1/PH2: BC

Cop: Ok, you boys got drugs in the car?

Here's where shit just gets ridiculous....PH1 freaks out and thinks if he gives up a little bit the cop will think that's all they have and let them go.




PH1: There's a gram in the glove box, and a pipe...sorry sir...its just personal

Cop: Now..You boys got anymore drugs? Im going to search your car.

PH1 freaks out even more and blows my mind with this one...

PH1: Theres an ounce under PH2's seat in a bag!!

**Hold the f'ing phone..who does that???..pull your head out of your ass**

PH1 and PH2 are now getting their rights read to them as they are cuffed and put into the back of the cop car. The cop asks them one last time if they have ANY more pot in the car before he tears it apart...I think backup has shown up at this point. PH1 pipes up and says no...fully knowing there is another ounce split up into separate bags (read trafficking) in another bag in the trunk...As the cops go through every single thing these two guys own PH1 is trying not to shit himself, while PH2 is doing what he can to not throw up. The cops grab the bag in question, lifts up the clothes...........and misses the extra ounce........holyfuck.....they just missed it????

I am now taking a vacation up to BUTTFUCK NOWHERE for a court date in April.

Dumbest Luckiest sons-a-bitches ever....

That's what you get....

Friday night...Its my friends birthday....what does the night call for? Lots and lots of Irish carbombs.

Now my friend enjoys a good scotch now and again so a bottle of JW was my gift to celebrate another spin around the sun.

He had a few of us over to pre-drink at his place before making our way over to the local pub to really get into it.

I had an old friend from uni out with me on this particular evening....now how she fits in is rather hard to explain: old roommate of a girl I dated for a bit in university. She went traveling for a couple of years, in that time her parents had moved to Hamilton where she knows no one. Soooo....ya a party came up, and she came out.

Im not into babysitting, but Im no asshole either. She did very well for herself and made friends with everyone right away. Im thinking great, shes having a good time, Im free to do as I please, this is just great.

We make our way to the bar and by now this girl is buzzing like crazy and has become the life of the party. Hummm ok, this still works for me...carry on!!!

We get to the pub and settle into a nice big table where we proceed to pound like any normal person on/at a birthday would.

30 mins go by and I look over at my friend to see she's pretty much asleep!!?!?! JEBUS!!!!!

I walk over and casually recommend that sleeping was not a good idea in the bar. I get the blank stare and the "Imimim FiNeeNEee"....

OOOOO....KKKKK...

No you are not fine, ahahha.

She looks down at the floor, at which point Im sure the spins immediately kicked in and sent her body for a loop. She jumps up and bolts to the bathroom....or what she thinks is the bathroom...

All I can do is stand back and watch this unfold....She runs up these stairs only to come running back down and go the other direction only to come running back out of the doorway altogether....(this was the kitchen I think) ahahha....at this point shes scrambling to make her way through the bar but doesn't quiet make it outside before she starts spewing chunks....



I run outside after her but had forgotten my beer in my hand, funny how that happens...Barmaids are not far behind and when they find me with the beer we are now BOTH tossed from the pub. GREAT!! just Great...

I look up into the sky and wonder how this managed to happen, take the last sip of beer before the barmaid snatches the glass outa my hand, and go into nice sucky guy mode. "are you ok, what can I get for you, would you like my coat...etc etc etc.."

As Ive now dropped the idea of getting crazy tonight, and adopted the notion that I will now be babysitting this girl for the rest of the night I think to myself: well something good will come from this...I know it...

We round the corner of the bar, cross the street and start to make our way back to the house where the party started. We get 20 paces and she starts unloading the remainder of the drinks she consumed..."its ok, just get it alllll out, no worries"

Oh wait, whats this??? ya....patio of like 13 guys out smoking....Ive never been bashed by a peanut gallery quite like this.

"YA BUDDY!!! FUCK HER IN BUTT!!! WOOHOOO YAAAA WAY TO GO WITH THE ROOFIES!!! YOUR THE MAN!!!! WHEN YOUR DONE SEND HER OVER TO ME!!!

All I could do was smile and wave......

My night cant get any worse then this, and something pretty damn good better happen to me now!!!

We make it back to the house, I knock down the futon, find some blankets, get the water, grab a kingcan and Im outa there so fast I probably made her spins worse. there was nothing left in her stomach...trust me...I saw it all. yummy

So Im kinda rushing back to the bar now, loving my can of Guinness...I entertain the thought of getting in shit for drinking in public only to see cherries behind not more then 10 seconds later....WTF....you have got to be kidding me....




I drop the beer immediately and stop dead in my tracks....

Cop: that beer your drinking?

Me: beer, what beer?

Cop: now telling the truth now is going to be about the smartest thing you do tonight

Me: Ohh that beer, ha, yes thats my beer......that WAS my beer.

After that the conversation never even went back to the beer. hahah. So weird, he ended up letting me go, not even a warning. I did not complain.

FINALLY make it back to the bar, Im allowed in, just not allowed to drink. Fortunately my friends have a beer waiting for me and the rest of the night is history....I say that cause it gets really fuzzy. hahaha

Woke up with a big goose egg on my head. Wrestling at like 3am after drinking whiskey is never a good idea I guess.

hahaha

This is how you know....

This is how you really know you're in a daze:


You drive over 30 mins at 130-140KMs in third gear. You notice after awhile something is not quite right, yet you keep going. You ponder why its revving really high, but this doesn't seem to bother you. A few suggestions pop into your head that you know are wrong anyways...You just keep trucking until you come to a stop light and notice you're not in drive.

This is how you know youre exhausted from a shitty cold:


As you're lying in bed trying to sleep, because that is the only thing that brings you comfort, you are forced to listen to James Joyces "Ulysses" on tape. Why? Because getting up and changing the mp3 on your list is way too much effort...I hate that book now...

This is how you know you're retarded:



After you loose a pen down a hole in your desk (that does not lead to a drawer) you go in after it. The hole is too small for your hand, but its so close, you can feel the pen in your finger tips....this frustrates you to no end....steam comes out your ears you are so close. You know you might get stuck if you force this to happen but you do it anyways. Conclusion? Your hand is now F'ING stuck in your desk up to your wrist at work for the world to see. You try and ease your hand out without making a scene...this is very painful and unproductive. Finally you manage to get a letter opener handy and prey the piece that holds your hand captive...You then quietly hide from the world as you work frantically try to remove the piece from your hand....

Yes...Yes...I know....

I got the pen though...

All this walking

Christmas Day 2005:

This is how you know you're not 11 teen anymore: you wake up on Christmas and don't get that new Nintendo system...No No...You get pots and F'n pans. HHAhaha.

I received some thoughtful gifts this year so I will thank my lucky stars for the caring people who surround me.

Christmas night was quite a different story this year I must say though. A friend of mine, (see the third picture from the last post) threw a bash of his own. Now the plan was to have a few beers, say a few hellos, and make my way home...This did not go as planned.

Six beers turned into me stealing (I don't know how many) beers from another new acquaintance (see the other person in the third picture) and getting plastered. Hahhaah.

What transpired later on in the night was rather unusual. Somehow most of the guys made it into the kitchen where the girls proceeded to do a model "walk-off" competition. This actually went on for like over an hour...maybe longer...I don't know.



It was super funny for awhile, but my time to leave came when my partner in crime announced it was time to get some God damn muther f'ing food. I agreed. We left. Now I was shitfaced, He was even more retarded. No driving was going to be done. So we walked in the rain back to his place but managed to lose each other on the way. I decide to turn right around and walk back to the party.....This is at least a 30 minute ordeal.

When I get back they are only now crowning the new top model of 2005. At this point I find a few more beers and settle back into the party.

10 mins go by and the girls start demanding the guys do the samething. After a few minutes of insisting this was not happening all the guys are lined up in the living room about to do just that.

I fucking stumble-bum my way out there, do a couple turns, throw blue-steel at them and exit....

Now there were definitely better looking dudes there, I am no show stopper, but for some reason I was crowned top male model of 2005. ahahha.




For some reason in this booze filled moment I actually felt pretty happy about the whole thing and walked home in the rain on Christmas night for an hour with a silly little smile of my face.

ahahha petty....Yes.....Do I care....Not really.

AAAAHHHhhhhhh thats more like it

You might remember my Halloween party I had a few months ago. You might also remember the post about it was not one of joy or celebration. It was me playing a violin in the back stairwell as the alley cats cried. The few loyals who showed will all agree they had a good time, but I myself had to work at 7am so my view is jaded no matter how you slice it. However, this years Christmas party was something more to my liking.


 

I Think I knew it was going to turn out better when the music showed up: two turn tables, a sub-woofer, and four speakers that took up more room then people in my house...and yes....a microphone.




The place ended up getting pretty packed and I KNOW everyone had a good time. Booze was flying all over the place, food was being scarfed down, and a gingerbread house of joy was even made in the middle of it all.




The party did not stop till the wee hours of the morning. ...I think I had to ask the guys to turn town the tunes at like 3am for fear of losing my tenant in the middle of the night. I walked out of my room half naked at 5am amazed to still see people drinking...




Highlights of the bash:

-Someone getting on the Mic and shouting out to my tenant to bring his 18 year old daughter down to the party.

-This same person found several minutes later chugging vodka straight out of a 40 of Shmirnoff, screaming about cooties.

-The gingerbread house made with love.

-The new wall art I obtained via blue pen....Whomever A.S. and H.B. are can suck it....But then again, its a party and if thats the worst thing to happen I consider myself lucky

-I was robbed of my toy cap guns from TEXAS!!! They are out there, and will be returned....(I had a small addiction to EBAY when it first came out)

-Hearing a certain couple have sex in my living room at 6am....jebus.

All in all a good bash, one me and Mrs.Claus could be proud of.