Best Chain letter ever

Hello, my name is Satan © and I suffer from the guilt of not forwarding 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, a poor 6-year-old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a traveling freak show.

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and everyone to whom you send "his" email, $1000?

How stupid are you?

"Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by a model I just happen to run into the next day!"

What a bunch! of bullshit.

Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was started by Peter in 5 AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower.

Fuck 'em.

If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times.

I don't fucking care.

Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's our own unpopularity.



The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny, send it on.

Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to the ass of a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this email.

Now forward this to everyone you know.

Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.

Have a nice day.

Ps...Send me 15 bucks

Uhhh I gotta go...

Never in my life have I seen someone melt down so badly in a game of poker like I saw this weekend. It was like poetry in motion, and all to my advantage.

There was 6 of us to start...all fairly decent players, but a few more clever then others. Poker is usually a game of balls, smarts, and sometimes just flat out luck. Things you don't normally take into account is the opponents ability to smoke the herb.

Two guys had gone out, which left four of us, and more importantly one guy with most of the chips. Things were looking grim for me as I starred across the table at my buddies mound of chips. OH!!!! But wait, what's this?? The chip leader hits the bong so hard he becomes a coughing, wheezing, mumbling mess.

It was like night and day. The guy totally and completely lost his marbles....It was like his brain just said, F it, if your going to be doing this then count me out. He managed to request he be excused from the game, but everyone knows you cant just get up and leave when your in the lead, for any reason. So, his chips were divided up amongst the players remaining and he went off to LaLa land.

Goofy bastard....

I still lost.

hahaha.

Well I was in tears...

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time Halloween comes around.It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL. Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Ligh truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the score card notes from the event:
> >
> > *****************************************************
> >
> > CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
> > Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
> > Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
> > remove dried paint from your driveway.
> > Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
> >
> > *****************************************************
> >
> > CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
> > Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
> > Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
> > supposed to taste besides pain.
> > I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.
> > They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
> >
> > *****************************************************
> >
> > CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
> > Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
> > Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
> > I have been snorting Drano.
> > Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite.
> > Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my
> > chest.
> > I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.
> >
> > *****************************************************
> >
> > CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
> > Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
> > other mild foods not much of a chili.
> > Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
> > taste it.
> > Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was standing
> > behind me with fresh refills.
> > That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm
> > eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
> >
> > *****************************************************
> >
> > CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
> > considerable kick. Very impressive.
> > Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
> > the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
> > Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
> > no longer focus my eyes.
> > I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
> > The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me
> > brain damage.
> > Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the
> > pitcher.
> > I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other
> > judges asked me to stop screaming.
> > Screw those rednecks.
> >
> > *****************************************************
> >
> > CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices
> > and peppers.
> > Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
> > Superb.
> > Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
> > sulfuric flames.
> > I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the
> > chair.
> > No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my
> > lips anymore.
> > I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
> >
> > *****************************************************
> >
> > CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
> > Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
> > peppers at the last moment.
> > ** I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in
> > a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
> > Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
> > wouldn't feel a thing.
> > I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing
> > water.
> > My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth.
> > My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy,
> > they'll know what killed me.
> > I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
> > any oxygen anyway.
> > If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
> >
> > *****************************************************
> >
> > CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
> > but spicy enough to declare its existence.
> > Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
> > hot.
> > Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell
> > over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going
> > to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
> > Judge # 3 - No Report

Somethings a miss here...

7:00- Wake up, smash my alarm, aka my phone

7:10- Actually get out of bed

7:10.03- Shower...notice the short time lapse there as my house is always fucking freezing

7:30- Realize Im not in some sauna/massage heavenly paradise and that Im actually getting ready for a days work at the office...Huge sigh...then exit

7:35- Rummage through the closet to find something to wear. Only requirements are that its clean, and I didn't wear it yesterday.

7:37- Put clean clothes in the dryer to act as an iron. haha

7:40- Ponder why I didn't sleep for another 10 mins.

7:50- Get all my crap organized and start to make my way to work.

8:10- On the highway screaming at the top of my lungs whatever song happens to be on the radio at the time.




8:12- Hear huge explosion sound followed by serious vibrations all over my car....not the good kind.

8:12.01- Get the F outa the fast lane, which is tricky when your only working with three tires.

8:15- Call CAA and sit on my ass while I laugh at work.

9:30- finally get to work an hour late with a valid excuse....Sure I could have changed the tire myself and gotten to work on time so that I wouldn't miss one single valuable second. But why in the world would I want to do that?

I feel a rant on work coming up real soon....

Johnny "BabyFat" Macnamara

Ok,

So not so long ago I was kinda saying that parties just weren't up to snuff anymore. That statement has since been corrected after this weekend festivities. Got myself invited to a university kegger in Guelph on Saturday courtesy of Pornfield. Been awhile since I've immersed myself into that scene, but I can assure its not hard to get back into it.


I also took it upon myself, in a fit of insanity, to shave my beard off. Now I've had this puppy on and off for years, but this last stint was coming up to a full year. I had been toying with the idea of losing it for a bit now, but didn't think Id actually do it.

Well.....I did......and for the first day and bit I f'ing hated it. There's this odd attachment to your beard. Its a part of you. I looked in the mirror for the first little bit and wondered who the hell was staring back at me. I look like a 5 year old that still has baby fat. I blame this squarely on the fact that Im living on my own and now have to "cook" for myself. New mission, get healthy again.

Seemed to work out at the party though...Didn't get id'ed at the door, but also didn't get questioned when I told people I was going to Western.

University Keggers are ridiculous....

Red or Green?

This could happen to you!!

Maybe it's because it's been awhile since I've felt the desire to devour candy at rate not thought to be humanly possible. Maybe it's because I have found a new love for the goodness of chocolate. Maybe its because I don't really have any food in my house...ya that could be it.


Anyways, I had a few left over treats from Halloween on Monday. Im not sure how this happened as I was giving out 4 or 5 pieces to each little munchkin that came by. But, I digress...So what do you do with a huge bowl full of little chocolate bars? Well...I sat there and ate em. Holy Christ CandyBelly is real folks. My stomach was killing me all night, and I couldn't sleep from being wired off the sugar. My whole next day was ruined...

I had a candy hangover...

WTF...